The love doctor is IN by Marylaine Viernes

Enough about political turmoil, economic faux pas and other gruesome realities! Love and Relationships are all that matter; today, I’d like to share a couple of letters and the words of wis-damn I’ve given with the help of my Ph.Care in Applied Animosity.

Case #1: Make Love, Not War!

Hi! I am a young bachelor and I recently met this exotic woman from Mindanao. Her name is Bangs Amoreaux, and she is the type known in pop culture as a MILF, or a ‘Moro I’d love to Front.’ Even if I know about her turbulent history, I still took a chance on her. But now I realized that this affair is a trap! She keeps on demanding so much time from me, asking about silly things ad nauseam, such as my ancestors, totally eating up my domain as an individual. I’ve tried breaking up with her but then she’s got a MOA against me! Like I’ve always feared, she’s raising hell and attacking me and innocent people too! She is a desperate terrorist now all because I wouldn’t agree to her demands, which are all within the MOA. How do I get out of this situation?

— Elmo N.S. Hisperon, Jr.

Dear Elmo,

You don’t get out of that situation. Be a man and deal with it. Understand that the biggest glitch you’ve committed was having a MOA with her. And this does not ensure protection for either of you; it only causes a bigger war. You tried to define the parameters of your territory, and then you asked for her hand yet she took the entire ARMM! The problem was that she asked too much and you had to give much more than your lawful authority to do so and in patent violation of the Constitution; I mean, of the relation.

The war you are experiencing right now is only the tip of the iceberg and the façade of many past faults. And it will never stop unless right minds with pure intentions from your side and her side come together sans personal agendas and develop something that both sides would benefit from. Don’t let her go; you can’t afford to lose her—she is too rich! I say study everything then come to a compromise; hopefully things will turn out for the good of not just the two of you, but also the rest of us, especially those caught in the crossfire!

Case # 2: My wife’s

feather-all-ism

Hi there! Just call me Mickey, because I’ve been quiet as a mouse lately. So, the thing is, my wife and I have been having extreme problems. I have long accepted the fact that she will always be better than me and I’ll just always be trailing behind her notorious success! But then I learned that she had dug up her ballroom dancing shoes and is now back on her way to become a legendary Cha-cha dancer, which is her lifelong dream! She even has this imported feather-all dance costume, you know, it’s all made of feathers? What should I do to stop her mania? More importantly, how can I tell her that she doesn’t look good wearing feather-alls? This makes me want to resign!—Insincerely,

Mickey

Dear Mickey,

I’ve heard about how your wife and her despicable amigas are dancing the Cha cha, even on railroads! I have to tell you that I am very much for feather-all-ized costumes, because they’re just right for the Filipino build. It’s time we turn feather-all! However, I do not think such a suit fits your wife as much as lawsuits do! She’ll end up looking like a crime minister! Tell her to just go for something else, like a transparency suit that will turn her invisible in the naked eye when people go chasing her after 2010. I agree with you that she must let go of her Cha cha mania for she has nothing but two left feet and there will be nothing left for us! Just talk to her while the rest of us pray for the fate of this country; I mean, of your relationship.

Oh, and about resigning, it’s too late now. She should have resigned a long time ago. And as for you, don’t think that you’re in anguish from being stuck with her when we’re the ones suffering while you’re having the time of your lies!